21 Oct You Can Never Really Get Even
In 1990 I sat in my office with five or six young men, aged 16 to 18. We had been talking about the gang activity that led to their being sentenced to the residential treatment program where I worked, and where they lived. A little more open than most of the residents in the program, this small group was willing to talk privately on a sensitive subject.
Street vengeance had played a bit role in how each of these guys ended up in this facility, whether making threats to rival gang members or actually participating in drive-by shootings. It was not easy for some of them, now living in close quarters with boys who belonged to the very groups with which they may have feuded.
But these were not the most hardened criminals. These young men had been sentenced here because a judge saw some glimmer of hope, believing that social conditions and drug or alcohol addiction had played key roles in their criminal behavior.
Several shifted uncomfortably in their seats as they talked about the drive to get even, making sure that others—rival gangs, kids at school, even teachers—didn’t get away with humiliating them or making them feel small. Coming from mostly poor and broken homes, with limited academic and social skills, they felt particularly vulnerable to being teased or looked down upon.
Genuinely curious about how these tender-hearted young men had acted viciously toward others, I pressed them for what they were thinking when they acted out so violently, why they couldn’t walk away when they felt put down.
Andy, who had listened intently to this point, blurted out, “If you let people put you down, if you don’t hurt them or scare them bad enough to stop, they will just keep doing it. And the people around them will see that they can get away with it, so they will give it to you, too. You have to hurt or scare people so bad they [and others] don’t’ ever want to do it again.”
“So you are saying that the violence, the threats, even the fact that you belong to the gang is about trying to get people to stop hurting your feelings?” At first some of them resisted the idea that their feelings could be hurt, that they were all about getting the respect they deserved. But again Andy offered clarity.
“Of course, isn’t that what everybody wants—to feel like you are worth caring about and not being put down?” In a few simple statements this young man helped this Lewisville, Idaho boy understand what drove the behavior of some L.A., San Bernardino and Riverside, California gang members.
The drive for revenge gets people—even kind, normally-civilized people—to think say and do things they would never want known. Most of us have known the desire to “get even” with one who offended or threatened us or those we love.
History and personal experience make it clear that we can never really “get even”. Families, communities and nations have been ripped apart as individuals seek to “even the score”.
But vengeance is never really about a score card; it is a manifestation of our desire to protect ourselves and others from being hurt.
So how do we protect ourselves and our children from hurt, and from being caught up in revenge cycles like these young men? We need to teach our children two essential skills.
We need to teach our children to be assertive, to respectfully let people know their boundaries without violating others in response. But we also have to teach them forgiveness, because none of us will ever escape from this life without experiencing being seriously hurt, perhaps even by those we love the most.
Next week we will talk about how we can teach these two invaluable skills, and help those we love from falling into cycles of revenge from which they cannot escape.