14 Oct We Are All Power Hungry
Over the years I have taught parenting classes to an assortment of groups and in a variety of venues. But the most memorable has to be the series of classes i taught to “a captive audience” in Lompoc Federal Penitentiary.
I learned a great deal in that class. There I came to appreciate the tremendous need we all have to make choices regarding our own lives—that people who lack a sense of personal power will do ANYTHING to regain that sense of power. (See article published January 3.)
Ironically, parents often get caught in up big power struggles with their children when they are very young and as they prepare to go out on their own. Teens and two-year olds have a lot in common; they both have newly acquired abilities—intellectual, verbal and physical—that allow them to influence the limits placed on them, and the people who placed those limits.
“No” is often a favorite word, even if only for the sake of seeing how it affects parents. And you must admit: it is pretty powerful to get parents to say and do things they swore they would never say or do (especially if they swore not to swear).
But we all have the need for power. When we have very few choices (like the inmates at Lompoc) we become sad, frustrated and desperate. Children who have few choices often become rebellious or seek to control others in order to gain a sense of power.
But, as we have discussed before, one can never get enough of what one doesn’t need. Kids cannot rebel enough or control enough others to feel peacefully powerful. So teens and toddlers can easily get caught up in power struggles with parents who fail to offer choices—age-appropriate, situation-appropriate choices.
And of course, it is not a REAL choice if one does not get to experience the consequences—the natural results—of those choices.
Wise parents look for opportunities to discuss and grant choices, and then allow the child to experience the consequences. Our three-year old daughters loved to pick between two outfits when they dressed in the morning. Sons enjoyed picking which of the two breakfast cereals they preferred, or which truck they would play with outside that morning.
Of course sometimes our kids will not be thrilled with the consequences of those choices. They may complain and want a “do-over”, begging parents to interfere with what naturally come of those choices.
I’ve known parents who drove another outfit to school when daughters complained that they didn’t look as cool as they thought they would. Other parents have complained to teachers or gone to battle with school administrators when Junior’s grades were as poor as his performance in the classroom, or when he missed an opportunity to play in the game after he missed practice. Those parents interfere with the learning curve associated with making and reaping the results of real choices.
Children who get to deal with the results of those reasonable choices learn and remember valuable lessons that cannot be lectured into them. No punishment or stern talking-to would ever teach as effectively as the times my own decisions led to undesirable results.
So why would any loving parent limit real choices when those choices end up being the best learning opportunities?
It can be remarkably painful to watch our children hurt, especially when that pain could have been avoided. I had no idea how much my parents suffered when they saw their children hurting; I could only see that as a parent.
So it is actually a great sacrifice on the parts of parents to allow their kids to make reasonable mistakes and struggle with the hurts that result naturally. For this reason it is important that we offer choices early in life, expanding in scope as their abilities and responsibility grow, and that we continue to keep them within a range that the child really can manage.
Let’s learn a lesson from those who have made huge mistakes, and not overlook opportunities to let our children learn naturally by experiencing the natural consequences of their decisions. It would be a shame to make them learn lessons in “the big house” when they could have learned those lessons at home.