31 Mar Umbilical Cords are Hard to Cut!
When our son was born the doctor generously offered to let me cut the umbilical cord connecting him to my wife. While that seemed like a lovely idea, I have to say that it was surprisingly tough, and a little on the gross side. So when our last child was born I graciously declined the do-it-yourself opportunity. (Perhaps had I known the doctor and hospital would charge $55,000 for the whole process I would have opted for the DIY route.)
Of the 60+ articles I’ve written for the Standard Journal none have prompted more feedback than those regarding the importance and the challenges of stepping back to let our adult children manage their own challenges with their spouses. As a father of five adult children—four of whom will be married before this summer ends—I appreciate the controversy more than ever before.
As I prepared for my own marriage 30 years ago I was taken back when my mother firmly declared that the door would not be open for me when/if Ruth and I were having a hard time getting along. “You will just have to stay there and work it out between the two of you.”
I was stunned by her announcement for two reasons. (1) This didn’t sound like the warm motherly advice I expected as I got ready to marry. (2) Ruth and I were not going to have trouble getting along anyway, so this conversation seemed rhetorical, anyway. But I was not her first child to marry and she knew how important it would be that my bride and I work through our challenges without parental interference.
Like the proverbial child who kindly removes the shell from the hatchling, we can accidentally rob our children of the challenges that will help them to build strength, skills and resilience they will need throughout adulthood.
Ruth and I were fortunate to move 200 miles away shortly after marriage at a time when long-distance calls were outlandishly expensive. That served us well as we struggled to overcome our differences and my insecurities. I say we were fortunate because the temptations to complain or turn to our respective families for comfort. Rather we needed to turn to one another for comfort when we were feeling hurt or misunderstood.
It is not natural to turn to the one who seemingly hurt one’s feelings. Nope, I would contend that it is divine—godly—for spouses to turn to one another for comfort and support when either feels hurt by the other. It is the very tendency that will serve them well through marriage. Two cannot become one by turning to outside resources except when those resources will help them to turn back to one another.
Of course that is easier said than done, both for the young couple and for the mature parents standing on the sidelines. It will take courage and faith—faith in the young couple and their abilities to do hard things. But just as you nudged them forward on the first day of school, and as you stood behind them as they apologized for breaking the neighbor’s window, you demonstrate confidence when we urge the spouses to turn to each other in times of difficulty.
Marriage is hard. Marriage is wonderful. Those two points are not mutually exclusive. I would suggest that perhaps the second point could not be true if the first were not also true.
I am so very grateful to have married my best friend, and I look forward to “hanging out” with her each day every bit as much as I did when we were first dating—even more so. I think much of our strength as a couple has resulted from doing hard things together. Our multiple DIY projects (none of which involved any umbilical cords) have served us very well as we dreamed, schemed, fixed and worked together.
But no DIY project has been as important or as fulfilling as building a family together. While we have had great support and encouragement from extended family who love and pray for us, they have also stood back and allowed us to work things out.
Show your confidence in your adult children by gently and kindly turning them back to their spouses as they struggle to create a family, a life, and a marriage worth preserving.