09 Sep The Cure for Adult-Onset Discouragement
Several weeks ago I wrote about discouragement—the condition in which one finds it difficult to move toward a worthy goal for fear it may not be accomplished as hoped. In that column I discussed ways of helping our children to overcome discouragement. But as a fifty-one year old with frequent pimples I know that many “kid” problems don’t necessarily go away with age. Discouragement can be a big challenge for adults, too.
Michael Popkin—one of my favorite authorities on parenting issues—points out that parents often accidentally discourage their children by communicating that we think they will fail, by focusing on the mistakes they make, by expecting too much (perfectionism), or by expecting too little (overprotection). In truth we adults sometimes do those very things to ourselves, robbing us of the confidence to move toward things we believe worthy of our efforts.
We are always thinking, perhaps offering moment-by-moment color commentary about our own performance and efforts. Too often we are harsh or critical. It should be no wonder, then, than we may be prone to giving up when the announcer in our heads gives us little hope of being successful.
But with a concerted effort, we can “turn the bus around” and help to overcome discouragement, beginning with the way we think and talk about ourselves.
Act in confidence, rather than expecting yourself to fail. This may take some real effort, especially if you are accustomed to imagining yourself goofing up. Break the project down into small, manageable tasks—things you CAN do—and focus on the task without the constant assessment of your performance. You will likely find that while you are focusing intently on the task your mind is able to let go of those pesky negative expectations, and allow you to enjoy the journey.
“Catch yourself being good”, rather than focusing on mistakes. It may be tempting to point out each imperfection in your performance. After all, we love it when others do the same for us, right? (Insert sarcasm emoticon here.) But it works so much better, and we suffer so much less, if we acknowledge our successes and good efforts along the way. You would want a friend or spouse to do that for you, and you would do that for them. So do it for yourself!
Convey acceptance, rather than being a perfectionist. Some of us got the idea early in life that perfection is the only acceptable level of performance…and it has made us and those around us miserable ever since. We cannot be perfect in this life, and expecting or accepting only perfection saps of even enjoying those things we do well. The perfectionism trap can be especially pernicious in a culture where we might mistakenly equate all mistakes with sin. So it may take extra effort to overcome.
Begin by separating your worth from your performance. Your intrinsic value is not your income, nor your golf score. It is not your GPA, your last name, nor the number on the bathroom scale. Perhaps you’ll need to do some serious thinking about what makes you valuable and worthwhile.
In any case you’ll need to come to accept yourself right where you are, even if you are a fifty-one and still get pimples. Appreciate your unique contributions to the world, and perhaps consider how you can make your corner of it just little better for those around you.
Challenge yourself periodically, rather than seeking to protect yourself from the possibility of making mistakes. It may be tempting to avoid doing things where there is some risk of failure. That protective tendency makes a lot of sense. But it also robs us of opportunities to grow, to stretch ourselves and experience joy.
Consider changing up the way your think and talk about yourself and you might find that you can do things you never even thought possible. You are likely much, much more capable than you give yourself credit for. And you just might find that those around you also come to grow in courage at the same time.