27 Jan Marriage Lessons from An Unlikely Source
It has often been said that a wise man learns from his mistakes. It could be stated that a really wise man learns from the mistakes—and successes—of others.
Cohabitation (couples living together without being married) is on the rise. According to one recent study about one-half of U.S .college graduates and three-fourths of non-college grads cohabit prior to marriage. The rate has doubled in a generation.
Though this living arrangement is now considered “normal”, cohabiting couples usually do not end up marrying, and those who do marry are much more likely to divorce than those who did not. According to one California study several years ago, couples who cohabited are about three times as likely to divorce as those who do not.
Many quickly jump to the conclusion that those couples were never as committed to the marriage as those who did not live together before marriage. But the truth is more complex than that. We can all learn valuable lessons from the differences in how the two types of marriages usually begin, and the patterns that influence how they end.
Cohabiting couples form a lose “contract”, dividing the resources and responsibilities of living together. They have no legal obligation to share-and-share-alike and divide the costs of living, usually down the middle or based upon relative income.
Of course each is likely to have his or her own vehicle and insurance, health insurance, etc. for which each is responsible. They seldom have joint savings and checking accounts; they are two separate individuals sharing some aspects of their lives while keeping up their respective responsibilities.
If these cohabiting couples marry they almost always continue the same sorts of arrangements they established when they first began sharing living space. Each maintains separate economic and tangible resources and responsibilities. As they have children, a mortgage and greater responsibilities these roommate-type arrangements quickly lose their appeal and effectiveness.
But the patterns of behavior established early in a relationship almost always continue through to the end of that relationship. In fact, they often are the very reasons for the relationship coming to an end.
On the other hand, in traditional marriage couples begin living together only after they have made the commitment to share all resources and responsibilities as one.
I often demonstrate this in classes and in my office by emptying out the contents of my pockets and wallet onto a desk, then asking someone else to do the same. I point out that our incomes, our time, even talents would now go into the pool of common resources as well. Each resource will then be used by the new couple to meet their needs and interests as they determine together. “These things are no longer mine or yours; they are ours”, I explain. “And each debt, liability, need or want is also ours as well. The task of marriage then will be to collectively determine how to apply these collective resources to meet our collective needs and interests.”
Of course the effort and ingenuity required of such an arrangement—putting everything into a collective pool of resources to be used thoughtfully in meeting the couple’s needs and interests—is much more difficult than simply dividing into “yours and mine” or by some economic formula.
In fact, I would argue that pooling resources thoughtfully and effectively is not even natural. I believe it is divine.
But even couples who say “I do” before sharing a home can fall into that same pattern of dividing resources rather than blending them into one pot. It may appear more practical to keep separate accounts and resources. It may actually be easier in the short run to keep resources separate.
But it is also easier to blame and feel resentful when I perceive I’m not getting my needs met, or to feel entitled to use my resources to meet my interests. The “one-ness” required for a successful marriage quickly breaks down—or never even gets off the runway—under those terms.
But your marriage need not be doomed, irrespective of how your patterns began. Right now you get to choose how you will pool and allocate your resources to best meet your family’s needs. It will take compassion, courage and practice.
But you can do it, and you’ll be pleased to see how much more effectively this works. Not only will needs and interests be better met as a couple; you’ll be better prepared to meet the needs of the entire family. You will also be closer and more deeply connected. And isn’t that why you married in the first place?