10 Jan Marriage is Hard
I know; the only readers shocked by this headline are those who are not yet married and who were raised on a steady diet of Disney princess movies.
But this column is not intended to scare anyone away. I hope it has the opposite effect, that it helps some of you standing on the edge of the pool, wondering whether to take the plunge. I also hope it helps some of you considering climbing out of the pool altogether.
Recently a young lady made the observation in my office that “marriage is hard—and it supposed to be that way.” In that regard she is wise beyond her years.
Let me now insert a brief disclaimer, if only for the sake of self-preservation. (I don’t know how often my wife reads what I write, but I suspect this one will get back to her one way or another.) Marriage is hard, but that is not a bad thing. I would suggest that it is a very, very good thing.
25 years of marriage counseling (as a counselor, not a client) has made a few things evident. One of those is that the difficulties in marriage serve a special benefit we could not get from something easier. Let me offer a few observations:
First, it is not natural for two mature adults to bind their lives into one—to share every resource and challenge with one another. To do so requires frequently setting aside your own preferences and inclinations in favor of the others. It requires learning to caring as much about your spouse’s perspectives as your own, and seeking first to meet her or his needs. There is nothing “natural” about that. To do so is divine (godly).
Second, this learning to become one is not accomplished by carefully selecting someone whose every need and interest coincides with yours. Neither can it be accomplished by simply abandoning your intelligence to every whim of your partner. That would just be giving in, not choosing. It is accomplished by wisely considering together what matters most, and then dedicating yourself to not letting the trivial—and most things are trivial—get in the way of things that are really important.
Third, in this growing process both spouses will experience a lot of pain as each has to carefully consider what deserves setting aside in becoming one. All the while you will have the advantage of seeing beyond your own narrow perspective and benefitting from the wisdom of one who has tread a somewhat different path than you, and who has different gifts and abilities. Isn’t it ingenious, then, that we marry someone of the opposite gender!
But what if you don’t want to do hard things? What if you believe that hard things are great for others, but that you’d just as soon avoid pain and effort? Let me share with you the first two paragraphs of one of my all-time favorite books, The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck.
“Life is difficult.”
“This is a great truth, one of the greatest of truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
I cannot think of any better response to the protest that marriage is hard. Once we accept that it is difficult, we no longer need to protest against it. Then we can get down to the business of loving and living and growing together. And it is in the context of marriage that the best things in life happen.
Yes, marriage is hard, and frankly I often do a poor job of it. But I’m getting better at it, and I believe I am a much better person for having married my wonderful wife. I will forever be grateful that she willingly accepted—and continues to accept—the challenge of sharing a life with me.