28 Feb Judge Not, Lest Ye Be in Big, Big Trouble!
As I work with couples to help restore love, and individuals to enjoy life more fully, I am wracked by the price we pay for judgment.
“What a jerk!”
“You have no right…”
“They have no idea…”
“I was so dumb.”
“Utah drivers!”
Judgment has many forms but comes down to this: labelling something or someone as good or bad, right or wrong, rather than simply describing what it is. It goes without saying that harsh judgment hurts relationships. But the effects of small, day-to-day judgments are not as obvious. Both current brain science and psycho-social science help us to see the benefits of heeding the age-old counsel not to judge at all.
The limbic system—the emotion-oriented center of your brain—becomes energized when we judge or analyze the value of any information we take in. Like a Labrador retriever mauling a tennis ball our brains fixate on things we label right or good, unwilling to let them go. The brain is just as tenacious in trying to avoid or defend against things we deem wrong. My 120-pound yellow lab sounds pretty ferocious when the doorbell rings, despite no real danger on the front porch. Once we judge or assign value to something or someone we are no longer responding to the object but to our judgment of that object.
Alan Fruzetti beautiful describes how this phenomenon hurts relationships in his book, “The High-Conflict Couple”. “One problem with judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped. But, typically, the things we judge are simply things we don’t like. We want them to stop or be different, but they are not necessarily wrong.”
He cites a common example: Oscar stayed late at work to get some work done that he thought needed to be taken care of. He left a message for Maria telling her he’d be late, and she was initially disappointed they would not get home at the same time, but then begins to judge him for it: “He’s always staying late. He shouldn’t work so much.” “He cares more about his work than he does about me!” But then she begins to judge herself, “I shouldn’t think that way. He is a hard worker and tries to take care of us.” Then the judgment turns back to him: “Why doesn’t he care more about me and what I want?” “He is so selfish!” By the time he gets home she is angry and lets him know it. Oscar, who was also looking forward to spending time together, doesn’t know what Maria has been thinking or feeling and defends himself while judging her for “acting crazy”. Neither gets what she or he really wanted, and both walk away convinced that they are not loved or appreciated by the other.
I often see that scenario played out in the couples I treat. What a shame it is to see two people so discouraged and frustrated as they come to believe they have little hope for feeling the love and comfort that brought them together!
So what is the cure? It is much easier—and a lot more difficult—than you would probably expect.
There has been a lot of discuss lately in the Standard-Journal and several other publications about mindfulness. Author Mark G. Williams describes mindfulness as “the awareness that comes from paying attention, on purpose, in the moment, without judgment, to things as they really are.” So how do we do that?
When you notice you are beginning to feel unhappy, stop and notice what you are feeling in your body and where. Notice your thoughts, and put them into words. Now notice that these are just feelings and thoughts, not irrefutable truths. Notice your urges, including your urges to blame, to yell or to withdraw. By noticing what really happens, including your own experiences, you effectively put a space between events and reactions.
This requires three things: practice, practice, practice. With practice you will be able to push this pause button and avoid going into autopilot, stopping many of the experiences that make you miserable.
We’ll talk more about this next time.
Michael D. Williams is a licensed psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist with over 25 years’ experience. You can comment or offer ideas for future articles at MichaelWilliamsCounseling.com or contact him at 208.360.2365.