02 Mar How to Build a Picket Fence
I am embarrassed to say that this week’s column almost didn’t make it. Brian, my good friend and partner in crime building electric guitars, invited me to work in his shop during the time I usually write the column, and I go so excited I entirely forgot about it. Greg Little, Editor of the Standard Journal, was kind enough to remind me and let me sneak it under the wire. Thanks, Greg. I owe you one!
Today I offer you some building tips you can use. No, they won’t help you to build a super-cool instrument that will propel you into rock stardom. These building tips are for constructing that “picket fence” boundary around your own marriage, or the marriage of others you love. Ultimately that will be more satisfying anyway.
Picket fences conjure up feelings of both security and friendliness. Pointed pickets spaced evenly apart suggest that visitors are welcome through the gate, but that the residents are careful to delineate where their space begins and ends.
Couples would be very wise to give careful consideration to what areas are on- and off-limits to others. Few are aware of how important their clear boundaries will be. We seldom think about boundaries until we see irritating violations. Conflicts often arise when we complain to one another about the violation of boundaries never anticipated and discussed in advance.
While some boundaries might seem quite obvious, like not flirting or texting former romance interests, others are less obvious. I would like to offer a few questions for your consideration. Most of these have to do with the boundaries between the young couple and extended family, often the most dangerous form of space invaders.
Contact: How often will we speak with parents and siblings?
Young brides often struggle to cut the apron strings when they marry. While it is useful and practical to call home for recipes or suggestions from mother, it is common place for many to call home regularly. I once spoke with a young couple wherein the wife complained that her husband was a “selfish jerk” for not supporting her regular conversations with her sisters and mother. The husband clarified that he was perfectly okay with daily conversations, except when the conversations lasted more than five hours each day.
Many young wives are also prone to turning to extended family when they should center their conversations and interests on their spouses. As a marriage counselor I have been surprised at the number of young marrieds—or even those married for several years—are still making daily contact with their family of origin.
I would strongly suggest that conversations be kept short and not more than once a week unless there is a compelling reason to do otherwise. Remember always that your spouse is the sole object of your affections and attentions. That is the person to whom you must turn for advice, support and encouragement.
Content of conversation: When we do talk with our families, what topics will be okay to discuss?
My mother wisely taught each of her children to clean their own clothing so she wouldn’t need to attend to their laundry by the time we were teens. Some young adults are still turning to parents with their “dirty laundry”—airing their complaints about spouse as if somehow the parents can do something about it.
Complaining is an adult’s way of crying. I get that. But when you complain about your spouse it will be very difficult for your parents to respond in any way that is helpful. Once they hear that someone has mistreated their little darling it will be next to impossible for them to offer their full love and support for that relationship. They won’t hear about the kind things he/she did to make up or seethe patient way she/he responds to your own shortcomings. And they certainly won’t care about how cute or how good a kisser your spouse is.
Any disparaging remarks about spouse will be impossible to take back. So don’t complain about one another. My mother actually told me that she would always take my wife’s side if there was a conflict, and not to come to her to address a concern. The only one I should consult about a marital concern is my own spouse. (My mom’s a tough cookie, and smart.)
Some spouses turn to parents for advice about purchases, budgets, etc. Wise couples would first consult very carefully with one another, and turn to parents only when/if they both agree to get some outside suggestions. But they must never take that advice unilaterally and always make the decisions jointly, both agreeing as to what they believe it wise and best.
Creating a successful and happy marriage is hard work, and darn well worth it. Start now by establishing and supporting clear, healthy boundaries that will help husband and wife to turn to one another for mutual support.