30 Dec A Resolution You Can Keep
I would like to suggest a New Year’s resolution that will not cost any money, take any time, nor require a gym membership. But this resolution is guaranteed to improve your life as well as the lives of those around you.
I suggest your resolve to express more love, admiration and appreciation.
It goes without saying that we each need to hear and know that we are valued, that our husbands or wives see and appreciate what we do on their behalf. Distressed couples have come to question whether their contributions or qualities are of particular importance to the other. Critical conversations emphasize what each does not like or appreciate, and lack of conversation seems to confirm one’s worst fears.
The problem is not unique to married couples. Teens and parents seeking professional help are mutually convinced that the other thinks poorly of them, and that their efforts to accommodate the other are fruitless. Discouraged children and teens often give up making wise decisions when they get the sense that they simply cannot do enough to please their parents. This discouragement often leads to the worst kind of pain, and some resort to the most drastic measures to try to alleviate that pain.
It is easy to see how failing to express love, admiration and appreciation take a toll on those on the receiving end. But few understand the role the brain plays for both the sender and receiver of messages.
The human brain is marvelous organ. It is beautifully designed to automatically focus on those things that require or deserve our attention. The limbic system—the cluster of structures in the center of the brain and directly above the brain stem—work in harmony to direct the brain’s full attention to any indication of danger. (That is why it is very difficult to focus your attention on finding a good radio station while your car is sliding into an intersection.) And few things signal danger like the perception of troubles with the people who love most.
So when I get the message that my wife, child, parent or coworker sees me in a negative light, my brain begins to scan for solutions, and for further evidence of danger. But when solutions are not immediately available my brain begins to call for attack, defense or retreat. In the case of human relations, none of those responses works out very well. They all leave us upset, isolated and at odds with others.
As the brain scans memories and carefully scrutinizes current behavior for further evidence of danger it tends to find it very easily. The female brain, with its superior network of connections (“white matter”) is especially adept at identifying loads of evidence that the current danger is perilous and must be attended to before it can relax and return to normal function.
What’s worse is that our natural responses touch off their natural defense/attack responses. Now two perfectly wonderful people are left wondering if they can ever feel loved, valued and safe together again.
But when one expresses genuine positive affection or observations about the other the process gets reversed. Both the sender and the receiver of the positive message get a reprieve from the attack/defense/retreat process in the brain as the sense of danger is reduced.
Most people are genuinely surprised at what happens when they begin to express positive feelings and observations. They have withheld them out of a desire to be protected, but find that heartfelt expressions of warmth not only bring about positive changes in their partner; they help the sender to feel better. Blood pressure and heart rates are reduced; defenses are dropped and hope returns. And the most one expresses positives the more easily one can see evidence for those and other positives!
I am not asking you to conjure or make up positive things to say to or about others. I am asking you to notice the positive regard and warmth you have for others and to express it clearly. Yes, it does come with some risk. In a society where criticism seems to suggest superiority, some might misunderstand your generosity. That is okay; that is their problem.
So tell someone today—and every day—why and how you like them, think highly of them, or appreciate what they do. Tell someone you love them. You will change lives.
The life you change the most will likely be your own.