06 May 2000-Year Old Marital Advice
“Can ye be angry and not sin?” asked Paul rhetorically. “Let not the sun go down on your wrath; neither give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27; JST)
The apostle counseled the Christians in Ephesus to go to great lengths to avoid being angry, and nothing ticked off my BYU-Idaho students more than my suggesting the same.
“But if I am feeling mad, shouldn’t I just let it out?”
“You are just asking us to bury our true feelings, and that isn’t good for marriage. I know; I saw it on Oprah.”
One student actually suggested it would cause serious physical injury if one did not get angry periodically when not liking the behavior of spouses, roommates or (apparently) university instructors. But I have honestly never found more useful advice, especially for spouses.
29: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying [building in a upward direction], that it may minister grace [kindness beyond what is earned, and which affects change in others] unto the hearers [those to whom we are speaking as well as those who overhear us].”
What is “corrupt communication”? I suppose it could be anything exaggerated, distorted or otherwise impure on some level. When we are angry it is virtually impossible to state things just as they are. As noted in an earlier column when we have judgmental thoughts we no longer see or hear things as they are; we respond instead to our judgment.
30: “And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.”
The Latter-day Saint readers should be more concerned about this than any other audience. We believe the doctrine of being “sealed” by priesthood power to spouse and children, allowing our family relations to perpetuate beyond this life. That is a primary purpose of the beautiful temple on the hill.
But Doctrine and Covenants 132 states flatly that the sealing is not complete until the “Holy Spirit of promise” ratifies and declares that sealing valid (verse 19). Following Paul’s patterns I have to ask, are we really worthy of being sealed to our family members when we assault them in anger, even if only with corrupt communication?
I know, like my college students many of you are thinking, “But shouldn’t we be angry about some things? After all, even Jesus and Heavenly Father are described as being angry in the scriptures.” That may be a topic for another day, but see how Paul anticipates and responds to those questions:
31: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour [boisterous noise], and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice [ill intent].”
I love this verse! I don’t think it could be stated any more clearly than it is.
32: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
I know that I have thoughts, said and done things I would never think, say or do if not under the intoxicating influence of anger. I wish I had the power to take back every one of them, and undo the harm it has done to my loved ones, to me and to our relations. I can certainly see why we use the term “mad” to describe our state of being when angry.
As stated before, I get a lot of push-back from some students on this topic. They are correct when they state that anger is natural.
But I know that I am trying to overcome “the natural man”, seeking to become someone, something better. I know that I am not alone in this quest to overcome this aspect of our nature and become more like the Divine.
Perhaps we will broach this topic another time, detailing just how we can overcome anger so it does not overcome us—even for a moment. For now let it suffice to say that some of the greatest marital communication advice for marriage (and parenthood) was written by the apostle Paul 2000 years ago.
It’s almost like he was inspired or something.
Michael D. Williams is a licensed psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist with over 25 years’ experience. Please offer your feedback or suggestions for future articles at his blog, MichaelWilliamsCounseling.com, or call him at 360-2365.